A Merciful Save
by middlecyclone
Summary: Literati revisited. Coffee and conversation and rain. Takes place a couple of months after the series finale. "He disappears into his room, his eyes nearly welling. That's never happened before."
1. Chapter 1

Literati: And In Came a Heatwave; a Merciful Save.

Jess hears a knock at the door, but he keeps washing his grass-green cereal bowl.  
"Just a sec!" he hollers over the sounds of soap and water and scrubbing.  
No point in putting it in the dishwasher, one cereal bowl.  
He has trained himself to be neat, now that he lives alone.  
Tuesday morning. The oven clock reads 10:10.  
It is his day off to do nothing.

He opens the door.  
He sees Rory and he smiles. He doesn't even have a moment to think of it. His face does the work for him.  
His heart beats frantically in his chest. _Maybe I should sit down?_  
"Hey," she says. "Rory," he says.  
Their words topple into and over one another, fighting for room.  
"Hey," he says again.  
"Come in, come in...you're in Philly? Wow," he says, standing back enough so she can step into his apartment.  
"I am in Philly," she says. She's so nervous, she wonders if he can tell. Probably.  
"I see that," he says.  
"My invisibility cloak hasn't been working at all lately...I'm gonna have to take this up with Dumbledore, don't you think?" she says, smiling and pointing her finger at him.  
He laughs lightly.  
"Let me go put a shirt on. Some pants too," he says, walking backwards, in his underwear.  
"Okay," she says.  
"Have a seat. I'll be right back," he says, pointing to his new couch.  
"Hey Jess?" she says brightly.  
"Yeah?" he asks. He is standing outside his bedroom door, looking back at her, fussing with his hair. He hasn't seen his reflection at all this morning. He wonders if he even looks remotely decent.  
"Your apartment is really nice," she says. She is enraptured by the intimacy of the moment. They were friends, they dated, but she's never seen him without a shirt on before.  
And the apartment is both cleaner and nicer than she thought it would be. Comfy.  
"Thanks. Thank you," he says. He watches her toss down her bag and plop onto his couch.

He disappears into his room, his eyes nearly welling. That's never happened before.

He finds his clothes from last night. They are smoky and wrinkled and balled up next to his bed and he pulls them on. He takes a quick peek in his bedroom mirror and runs his hands through his hair again.  
_Rory. _  
That's what he hears in his head, on a loop.  
_Rory. She's here._  
If he wasn't trying to play it so damn cool, he'd run out there, jump and plop next to her. Instead, he takes a deep breath and one last look at himself in the mirror and steps slowly back into her vision.  
"Rory Gilmore," he says softly.  
"Jess Mariano," she echoes back. He smells like smoke and soap and Jess. She's missed that.  
"This feels like something out of a movie," he says.  
"It does, doesn't it?"  
"Tell me what you're doing here. In Philly, I mean. And how did you know where I lived?" he asks.  
"Do you yahoo?" she says, mimicking his voice.  
_You looked it up._  
"You looked it up," he laughs.  
_You looked it up._  
"But not really. Really, I just asked Luke and he told me," she admits slyly.  
Then she tells him about the Obama campaign. How she's writing articles for an online magazine. How she just got into Philly last night and has a free day before leaving tomorrow. How she couldn't think of being in Philly without looking for him. How it would feel like she was lying, in some way. How she'd feel like a phony.  
But she doesn't tell him that she dreamt of them last night.  
Together and tangled and kissing in the dark.  
"I'm glad you came," he says.  
"Me too," she says.  
"Congrats on graduating Yale, by the way. And landing a sweet job. Next stop, world domination, right?"  
"Looks like it," she says.  
"And Lorelai and Luke? Everything's good?" he asks cautiously.  
"Yes. They're so happy and cute together. It's almost gross," she says and nods.  
"You know...his voice was almost chipper last time he called. I thought he had the wrong number," Jess says, looking over at her.

_She's even prettier than she was last time he saw her. It's disarming. Maybe even a little annoying. Except, not._

"And so it's okay if I ask?" Jess says gently. He knows she knows what he means.  
"You don't have to," she says.  
He isn't sitting as close to her as he wants to be. They haven't touched.  
"Logan and I broke up," she volunteers.  
She nods.  
He nods.  
"Okay," he says.  
"He proposed, actually," she says, looking down.  
"Okay," he says slowly.  
"I said No. That's it, really," she is still nodding.  
"Oh," he says. It feels like something in his heart has exploded. His skin gets warmer and his tummy hurts a little. He wants to jump off of the couch. He wants to do run laps. He wants to bounce and he wants to touch her. He wants to hug her and smell her hair.  
"Last time I saw you, you said you didn't deserve it. How I was treating you," she says.  
_She can still see it perfectly. His hair. It was different. And his Dinosaur Jr. t-shirt. His sad eyes._  
He starts shaking his head, as if it will keep her from saying anything more.  
"No. You did. And you were right. I'm sorry, Jess. It was a crappy thing to do and I shouldn't have tried to use you like that," she says.  
"Hey. Really. Don't apologize. It's okay. I don't mind," he says calmly. He feels so far away, on the other side of his couch. _When did the couch get this big?_  
"I was thinking we could...I don't know...maybe get dinner tonight?" she asks.  
"Oh," he says again.  
_Of course, Rory. Of course I'll have dinner with you. There's nothing I'd like to do more than that, actually._  
But instead, he just looks over at her.  
"Is that weird?" Rory asks.  
He shakes his head again.  
"No! It's not weird. Not at all. I think part of me is still in shock, actually," he says.  
He isn't one for filling the silence with words, but he wants to make sure she feels comfortable here. In his apartment. With him.  
"I'm glad you're here, though. I can't say that with enough emphasis, so I won't even try...but you have no idea how glad I am that you're here. Right now," he says.  
"Me too, Jess. But I mean, maybe you're seeing someone. You're probably seeing someone," she says, hopping up from the couch and backing towards the door.  
_She really hopes he's not seeing anyone. Last night she even prayed about it. She prayed for the first time in a really long time._  
He jumps up too and grabs her hand without thinking.  
"Wait. Just hold on a sec," he says.  
_He's holding my hand.  
I'm holding her hand._  
"I mean, are you seeing someone? Because it's not like I expected you to just be sitting around here waiting for me forever. I wouldn't assume that. I'd never..."  
"Rory. It's okay," he says, not letting go of her hand.  
She doesn't say anything.  
But he does.  
"And yes. I am seeing someone," he says carefully.  
He wonders if what he sees in her eyes is disappointment. He looks away quickly.  
"Of course," she says. This time she's the one shaking her head.  
Of course. I wonder who she is.  
"But that doesn't matter. That doesn't mean that we can't go to dinner. Let's do it. I have the whole day off," he says, slowly letting her have her hand back to herself.  
And then he puts his arms out and she smushes into his chest. He wraps his arms around her and they are hugging like they always did.  
_ I should've done this the moment I saw her. This is nice. This is normal.  
I should've done this the moment I saw him. This is nice. This is normal._  
They are turned away from each other, just hugging.  
He's missed her so so much. And being this close to her? It's starting to hurt. He lets her go and stands back.  
He shoves his hands into his pockets and looks at the rug on the floor, then back up at her.  
"Okay," she smiles.  
Rory walks over to his coffee table and starts going through his stack of books.  
He leans against the door frame and watches her.  
"Hey, can I make you some coffee?" he asks.  
"Yes, please!" she says, sitting back on his couch with a lap full of paperbacks.  
Jess heads into the kitchen.  
"Okay. You got it," he says.  
There is a picture of him and Tessa on the fridge.  
He snatches it off and slides it into a random drawer.  
_Rory. She's here._


	2. Chapter 2

"Have you read those?" he asks as he saunters back into the living room carrying two mugs of coffee.  
"These two," Rory replies, holding up two worn-out paperbacks.  
"Take the other ones. Just give them back to me later," he says, handing her one of the mugs.  
"Thanks, Jess," she says.

He sits down on the couch, closer to her this time than he was last time, but there is still plenty of room between them.

"Sooo tell me about her," she says after her first sip of coffee. _I can handle this._ She thinks if she keeps saying it to herself, it'll become true.  
"Maybe we should save this for our dinner conversation? Aren't you afraid we won't have anything to talk about?" he teases, sipping his coffee slowly and placing his mug on the table.  
"When haven't we had something to talk about?" she snaps sweetly.  
He looks at her for a moment before saying anything.  
"Her name's Tessa," he says.  
"Tessa," Rory echoes.  
"We've been together for like, six months maybe?" he says uncertainly._ I like her but she's not you._  
"She won't care if you go to dinner with me?" she asks.  
"I do what I want," Jess says, smiling over at her. He reaches for his coffee mug again. Anything to keep his hands busy.  
"I've missed you, Jess. And maybe that's not even fair for me to say, but I've really missed you," she says.  
_  
I miss Logan sometimes too, but it's not the same. There should be a different word for it._

"I've missed you too, Rory. Y'know...I sorta thought maybe I'd never see you again," he says. His voice sounds sad, even though he doesn't mean for it to.  
"You're not that lucky, right?"  
"Quit it," he perks up again.

His cellphone buzzes on the kitchen table.  
"I guess I'll grab that," he says, standing up.  
_It's Tessa._  
"Hey," he says into the phone. He leans against the counter and listens to her voice from the other side of wherever. But he's watching Rory. Right now she's holding her mug of coffee with two hands like it's something precious and worth protecting. She's turning to look out of the window behind her.  
He hasn't been paying attention to anything Tessa's been saying. _It's as if she's speaking in a foreign language. Her words are meaningless and empty and fall away, long before they reach his ears. He only hears mumbles and squeaks._  
"Hey Tess. Let me give you a call back okay? I've gotta take care of something. Is that okay?" he says quickly, but not too quickly to raise suspicion. He doesn't want to fight right now.  
Rory is still looking out the window.  
Tessa says Okay.  
Jess says Okay back. He turns his phone off and joins Rory on the couch again.

"Everything okay?" she asks.  
"I'm good. More coffee?" he says, reaching for her mug.  
"That's what I like to hear," she grins and their hands touch again.  
_Her lips practically ache, being this close to him and not kissing him. She's scared she'll accidentally say it out loud. The word 'kiss' instead of water. The word 'mouth' instead of book, 'Tongue' instead of paper._  
"Wanna maybe go for a walk or something? I could show you around," he says, returning from the kitchen.  
"That sounds great!" she says.  
"Okay."  
"Can I bring my coffee?"  
"Whatever the lady wants," he says, opening the door for her.  
She ducks and walks underneath his arm and smiles back at him once she's on the other side.  
"Be warned that it's no Stars Hollow," he says as he shuts and locks his apartment door.  
"Well, there's only one Heaven, right?"  
"This is true," he says.  
_His heart? Happy and thumpthumping. Practically skipping rope. He feels like a kid, like a puppy. _  
They take the steps down and on his front stoop.  
Tessa and her big brown eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey. Oh. Hey. I didn't know you were coming over," Jess blurts out. His face gets hot.  
"I just told you," Tessa smiles and cocks her head to the side.  
"Oh. I must not have heard you. Tessa this is Rory. My friend, Rory," he says.  
"The famous Rory," she says, holding out her hand.  
Rory takes her hand to shake, and says Hi back.  
"I was just bringing you your jacket," Tessa says.  
"Thanks. I'll put it in my car. Rory and I were gonna go for a walk," he says, taking the thin blue jacket from her.  
"He's, um, gonna show me around," Rory adds. _She's pretty. But I mean, of course she's pretty. Why wouldn't she be pretty?_  
"Well, okay. Call me later?" Tessa adds before turning to walk away.  
"I will," he says.  
Tessa turns back around and kisses him quickly on the mouth. Rory looks away.  
The girls say Goodbye.  
Jess pushes his hair off of his forehead and stops at his car to toss his coat inside.  
"Shall we?" he says, nodding towards the sidewalk.  
Tessa drives one way.  
Rory and Jess are walking the other.

"So how serious are you two?" Rory asks after they have walked for a little bit. He's shown her some of his favorite spots.  
_She has to ask. It's killing her not to know. Maybe coming here was a huge mistake._  
_He doesn't want to talk about it. Mostly because it's really not worth talking about. And he doesn't want to waste time. But also, he wants to answer every question she asks. Right now. Forever, even._  
"It's not that big of a deal, really," he says.  
"She's pretty," Rory adds.  
Jess nods and looks away. _Why is this embarrassing? It feels weird._  
"She's smart. She's a lot like you, actually," he says, half-regretting it once it's out of his mouth.  
"Oh," she says, blinking at him.  
"Did Logan treat you right? I know things were weird last time you were here..." Jess begins.  
"It's a long story," Rory says.  
"Let's get some candy, instead. You wanna get some candy?" he says, motioning to a small candy shop beside them, its red and white striped awning snapping in the wind above them.

Later, she freshens up in his bathroom before heading out to dinner. _He still uses the same product in his hair. And cinnamon toothpaste like my mom._  
There is an eyelash curler on the little shelf in there.  
_Tessa keeps her stuff here._  
She can't help herself from picturing Jess in his bed, wrapping his arms around her at night. Her things on his nightstand.  
She puts her hands on the cool counter of the sink.  
There is rain falling sideways against the small round window.  
_Tessa's stuff is in there. _Thinks Jess.  
He is staring at the bathroom door. Rory is on the other side.  
He trades his t-shirt for a clean black button-down.  
When she emerges, he smiles again and finishes his top button.  
"Ready?" she asks, tucking her hair behind her ear and looking down.  
"Don't forget the candy," he says, handing her a small package of Twizzlers.  
"A boy after my own heart," she says.  
"You got it," he says. Honestly.

He pays for dinner. He's never gotten to do that before.  
He stops inside a wine store on the way home and plucks a large bottle of red, a six-pack of an Italian import.  
It isn't raining anymore, but they walk home in the summer city air and it's almost like he's been waiting his whole life for this night.

He puts on the London Calling album because it's comforting to him and he's nervous.  
_He's still nervous._  
He opens a beer and they're back on the couch again.  
Rory and her fat-rimmed glass of Shiraz.  
Jess and his green bottle.  
"Fuck it," he mumbles under his breath.  
_Maybe she heard that. Maybe she didn't._  
_What did he just say?_  
"Rory..." he begins.  
"Jess, I love you. That's why I came here. And it's not fair for me tell you that, is it? I'm sorry. But I do love you. I love you and I'm sorry," she says.  
"I love you, too," was all he said.  
She leans in to kiss him and he turns away.  
"There's a lot to talk about first, don't you think?" he says.  
She sits back, sheepish. She nods.  
"Yes. Of course," she says.  
"I just need a minute, I guess," he says, letting out his breath.  
"I understand," she says, holding her hand up and out to him.  
"You really hurt me. You broke my heart. I'm assuming I hurt you too?" he says, looking for her answer on her face, in her eyes.  
"When you left without saying Goodbye. Twice," she says.  
_Those words still sting._  
He touches his hair, his face, takes his bottle of beer back into his hands.  
"I'm not like that anymore. That was a long time ago. I thought you knew I wasn't like that anymore," he says. _He's hurt. He doesn't look at her._  
The cars outside. Honking and driving. The rain. Rubber tires swishing through wet pavement.  
"It didn't end up too well last time we kissed," he says.  
She starts to say something, but changes her mind.  
"I didn't get to talk to you for a really long time. That drove me pretty crazy," he says softly.  
He is drinking his beer again.  
She puts her glass of wine down. She is crying.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey hey hey. I can't stand to see you crying. Come here. Come here," Jess says, pulling her towards him.  
She doesn't say anything. But she lets him hug her.  
They are quiet for some time.  
_We don't have to talk about this now.  
I don't want to talk about this.  
I'm just glad she's here.  
I'm just glad I'm here._

Rory excuses herself to the bathroom so she can wash her face.  
_ If you've been crying, it always feels better if you go and wash your face._  
This time she sees a couple of bobby pins she didn't notice before, a pale pink washcloth.  
Her face is hot.  
_Can I be Officially Drunk after only one glass of wine? It usually takes two. One makes me chatty. Two makes me sleepy. Three? Well._  
She searches for a washcloth that isn't pink.  
There's a clean black one folded in the bathroom closet. That's the one she uses.  
His bathroom smells like the rain.  
_I love that._

Jess is in the fridge, grabbing his second beer.  
_Shit._ He mumbles to no one.  
He uses the bottle opener on his keyring. His keys are still clipped to his belt loop.  
_Why?_ He clips them off and sets them on the counter with a click.  
He glances at his cellphone.  
_Three missed calls_.  
He doesn't have to look to know it's Tessa.  
_Shit._ He says again. Louder this time, but still...quietly.  
He turns off The Clash.  
Turns on Muddy Waters.  
_What was that? Lightning?_  
A snap of thunder and then the deep growling across the sky.  
_As if God was answering, Yes_.

Rory emerges from the bathroom.  
"So, I see Tessa's stuff in there. But like, she doesn't live here, right?" she says.  
_Bravado? Yes. Thank you, One Glass of Red Wine._  
"No. She has her own place," he says.  
Wait.  
"What about you and Logan? Did you two live together?" he asks.  
They are both standing.  
They are both looking out of the window.  
They are both watching the rain.  
"We did, actually," she says. She nods without looking over at him.  
"I can't picture you living with him," Jess says.  
"I can't now, either," she says, laughing out just a little bit.  
"That dude's an asshole," he spits out. He takes a drink of his beer.  
_That dude's a fucking asshole. I should've kicked his ass. I wanna fight that dude._  
"He really wasn't all of the time," Rory says, without defending him too-too much.  
Jess shrugs and smiles.  
_I don't want to talk about that._  
"What about Dean? You still talk to Dean?" he asks. The name sounds gross in his mouth. Dark green and bitter.  
"No. I haven't in awhile," she says.  
"I'm writing another novel. Did I tell you that?" he says.  
"No. Tell me about it," she says.  
"I will. Later," he says.  
"Is Tessa a writer?" she asks.  
"I don't want to talk about her right now. Is that okay?" he says plainly.  
"That's excellent," Rory smiles.  
Jess smiles over at her.

"Want another glass of wine?" he asks gently.  
"Yes," she says, folding her arms across her chest.  
_Is it cold in here?  
Is it just me?_

"Are you cold?" Jess asks as he hands Rory her glass of wine, refilled.  
"A little," she confesses.  
"Let me turn the A/C down," he says, disappearing down the hallway for a moment.  
She takes her spot on the couch again and closes her eyes.  
He returns with a fuzzy brown blanket. It still has the tags on it.  
"My mom got this for me when I moved in here," he says, tugging on the tags until they come off.  
He hands her the blanket and she tucks her feet underneath it.  
"Thank you," she says.  
"You're welcome," he says.

Muddy Waters sings out _I want you to love me, baby. 'Til I drop dead in front of your door._

"I had sex with Dean," Rory says.  
Drunk, I am. She thinks.  
"Wait, what?" Jess says, scratching at his head.  
"I did, I did. I didn't think it was stupid when it was happening. And then later, I thought it was really stupid," she confesses.  
"Wait, when?" he says.  
_Is my face red? Does my face look hot? My face feels hot._  
"It was like, right after you came to school and asked me to run off with you," she says.  
"Shit," he says.  
Jess allows himself a split second of picturing them together and his stomach turns. So, he stops.  
_Never again._  
"He was married," Jess says.  
"I don't know what to say. I don't have anything to say. All I can do is shrug," Rory says.  
She shrugs.  
Jess shrugs too.  
He downs his second beer and he's nowhere near drunk, but it doesn't mean he doesn't have confessions.  
And now, it's his turn.


	5. Chapter 5

"I couldn't sleep that night you came to New York. I couldn't sleep the next night either. Same thing when I went out west. I was a total insomniac before I ended up in Stars Hollow. The night you called me Dodger? That was the best I'd slept...in like, my entire life. I had to take sleeping pills when I first got here. To Philly. I started smoking again. But I don't take the sleeping pills anymore..." Jess' voice trails off.  
_Is he finished? I hope he's not finished._  
Rory makes herself even smaller underneath the blanket. Her wine glass is empty.  
Jess is sitting across the room from her. He is on the floor, leaning against the wall.  
His knees are bent. His wrists are resting on his knees. He is looking at the floor. He is looking at her now.  
_Why is it so hard for me to talk about things?_

"When did you start smoking again?" she asks.  
"That night you came up here. That night we kissed. That night you said you were in love with Logan."  
"Why?" she asks.  
Jess shrugs.  
"Because I didn't care," he says, unaffected.  
"I cared about you, but I didn't care about anything else. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I was a mess. All I did was smoke and drink whiskey," he says.  
_It's okay to let her know how I feel. How I felt._  
"I was in love with Logan. But I was in love with you, too," she says.  
_Didn't I ever tell you I was in love with you, Jess? Shame on me for not telling you that until tonight._  
Jess takes a deep breath.  
_I didn't think anyone gave a damn about me. Except maybe Luke. Yes, Luke. I can tell by how he looks at me. He looks at me like my dad should._  
"You and Luke were the only people in my life who didn't make me feel like a total hopeless fuck up," he says. He folds his hands and puts them on top of his head.  
_But she's just gonna leave again.  
Don't leave.  
I don't want to leave._

"You're far from a fuck up. Fuck ups don't write amazing first novels. Or have brains like yours," Rory says.  
_I love you._  
"Guess what?" she says.  
"What?" he says.  
"I'm knitting you a scarf," Rory says.  
"You are not," he says.  
"Am too," she says, going over to her bag.  
She pulls it out of her bag.  
_It is grey. The color of lead. Gun metal. The late afternoon summer sky before it rains and rains._  
She's almost finished.  
"That's for me?" he says.  
"It is. I'm almost finished."  
"I don't have a scarf," he smiles.  
"Now you almost do," she says.  
"I really like it," he says.

_ I dream about you a lot.  
I practically worshiped you.  
Do I still?_

And now Jess is on the couch.  
Rory has her legs thrown across his lap.  
His hand is resting on her foot, underneath the blanket.  
_She looks sleepy._  
"Do you need to go?" he asks.  
_Please please please say No._  
"I don't know," she says.  
"You can stay here. Is that what I need to say? Because I guess I should've said that a long time ago," he says.  
_Stay. Sleep on my pillow. Make my bed smell like you. Don't leave._  
"I don't know..." she says again.  
_What about Tessa? What about the almost-kiss?_  
"I really want you to. Does that help?" he says, leaning towards her.  
"Really?" she says.  
"Yeah," he says, leaning in to kiss her.  
"You have a girlfriend, Jess."  
He just looks at her.  
"We shouldn't kiss or almost-kiss if you have a girlfriend."  
_I'd give anything for him to fucking kiss me right now. I miss his crooked little mouth. How it tastes._

Their mouths meet and his hand is on the back of her head, under her hair.  
Her hands are on his hips.  
Her hands are in his hair.  
They kiss frantically and desperately.  
They kiss and kiss and only kiss while it rains and rains and rains.

And later.  
Rory's cellphone rings.  
"Do you need to get that?" Jess asks in between kisses.  
"Actually, I do," she says.  
"Okay," he says, kissing her again before she slinks off of the couch.  
She grabs her phone and steps into the kitchen.  
"Mom? Hi."  
He picks up his pack of cigarettes and takes one out.  
He slips one behind his ear.  
_I feel like shit for not calling Tessa back. She doesn't deserve that. It's not her fault she's not Rory. I'll tell her about this. I'll tell her about all of this. She's probably worried about me. I should call her back._  
He fishes for the lighter in his pocket.  
He steps into the kitchen and grabs his cellphone from the table.  
"Hey. I'm gonna step outside and smoke," he says.  
Quietly.

Rory's blue eyes. In his kitchen. She is leaning against his counter.  
_He's calling Tessa._  
She nods and smiles, touching her mouth.  
_Come back._  
He turns to walk away.  
He turns back towards her and kisses her slowly.  
_God._  
Again.  
He turns around and closes the door softly behind him.

He takes a seat on the second-to-last step out front, even though it's a little wet.  
He lights his cigarette first and then he calls.  
The phone rings almost four times.  
_Maybe it'll go to voicemail. _  
"Hello?" says Tessa's sleepy voice.  
"Hey," he says.  
"Are you outside?" she asks.  
He nods, even though she cannot see him.  
"Yeah," he says quietly.  
"What are you doing?" she asks.  
"I came outside to smoke," he says.  
"I love you, Jess," she says.  
_Shit._  
"I love you, too. That's why I need to talk to you. Um, just about some things," he says.  
_There is a part of me that loves you._  
He lets his cigarette rest on the edge of the step.  
He is using his free hand to tug at his hair.  
"I'm sorry, Tessa," he says.  
"For what?" she says.  
He tugs and tugs at his hair until it really hurts. Then he picks up his cigarette and starts smoking it again. He stands up. He sits back down.  
_I like that Rory is in my apartment alone. I want her to go through my stuff. I want her to take off her clothes and climb in my bed. Use my toothbrush. Her bare feet on the bathroom floor._  
He doesn't know that Rory is watching him from the window. She's off the phone now.  
She tucks her hair behind her ear and puts her hands on her hips.  
_I want to take off my jeans. Crawl into his bed._  
She keeps watching him. She sees him stand up and then, sit back down again.  
_What is he doing? What is he saying?_


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm here and Rory's here. Rory is still here," Jess says, standing up. He's kicking at the ground.  
_Nothing. I just feel like kicking._  
"So that's it? Your precious Rory comes back into your life for one night and suddenly you don't need anyone else? That's really shitty, Jess. That's not fair," Tessa's voice is shaky and soft.  
"That's not what's happening," Jess says.  
"She's just gonna leave. And you're gonna be lonely. And I'm not gonna be there," she says.

Rory goes to the kitchen and gets the rest of the wine and takes a swig from the bottle before finding her glass again.  
_Three glasses of wine. Well._  
She takes another sip from her glass and then, sets it on the coffeetable.  
She unbuttons her jeans and pulls them down. She folds them and puts them on his bedroom floor. She is in his bedroom in her cardigan, t-shirt and knickers, hunting for a pair of his pajama pants.  
_Does he wear pajama pants? Everyone has pj pants._  
She's in his top drawer.  
Socks. Boxer shorts. A copy of the Subsect. An unopened pack of cigarettes. Condoms.  
She counts the condoms.  
_One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.  
Ten.  
I wonder when he bought these.  
How many condoms were in that pack? Twelve, I hope. That means that he and Tessa have done it at least twice. Of course. I'm being an idiot. But what if there were thirty-six? I hate this._  
Her heartbeat is speedy. She closes the drawer.  
Second drawer.  
Black t-shirts. Red t-shirts. Black jeans.  
A pair of black pajama bottoms.  
She takes them out and pulls them on.

_Summer's ending. This is ending._  
"I don't know what to say, Tessa. But I want to be honest with you. I don't want to hurt you, but I know I am. I'm sorry. I'm not doing it on purpose," Jess says outside. He says it into the phone. He says it out into the night air.

Rory goes back to the living room. Looks at his bookshelf again. Tilts her head and touches the spines of the books.

When Jess comes back in, he looks exhausted.  
Rory is standing in front of his bookshelf, reading the back of one of the books.  
He tosses his cellphone onto the couch.  
_My pants._  
"Are those my pants?" he asks, smiling.  
"Yeah. Is that okay?"  
He nods.  
"This means you're staying?" he asks.  
"Yeah. Is that okay?"  
"You know it is," he says.  
"Is it okay if I'm sorta drunk?" she asks.  
"If it's okay with you, it's okay with me."  
"I went in your drawer and got these," Rory says, slipping the book back where she got it.  
"Okay," he says.  
"I wasn't snooping," she says.  
"I don't care if you do," he says.  
_Did that sound rude?_  
"Are you okay?" she asks.  
"I'm okay," he says, leaning against the wall.  
"Do you wanna talk about it?" she asks.  
He doesn't answer her, but he kisses her.  
_ There's your answer._

"I don't have any snacks here. Do you wanna go get snacks?" Jess says.  
"Yes please," Rory says.  
He gets his keys.  
"I'm wearing your pajamas to the store," she says.  
"Good."  
Jess glances at his watch as Rory slips her sneakers on.  
_A little after one. It's already tomorrow._

They walk and sometimes they are talking and sometimes they are quiet.  
The leaves on the trees are still raining, but the sky has stopped.

"You look sad," Rory says to him as they leave the mini-mart.  
She is carrying a bag of candy. Potato chips. A loaf a bread. A jar of peanut butter.  
Doughnuts for the morning. A mug boasting that someone there loves you.

"I'm not sad," Jess says.  
I'm just thinking.  
"Promise?" Rory says.  
"I'm trying to slow this down. This time yesterday...I never would've guessed that I'd be with you tonight. That we'd be walking around outside after the rain. That you'd come here and kiss me and..." he says.  
He stops. He's leaning against the railing of someone else's steps.  
A dog barks somewhere. A car alarm.  
_Everything sounds so far away._

"Do you want me to leave?" Rory asks.  
_Heady red wine. Blinking. Sleepy. I feel like crying again._

He steps towards her and throws his arm around her.  
"Of course not. Are you serious?" he says.  
_I just need to catch my breath. _  
_But you have no idea how much I want to...how much I._  
"I want you to do the exact opposite of leave," he says.

An older couple shuffles past, smiling at them.  
They are almost back to Jess' apartment.

"Maybe we can watch a movie?" he says while he's putting his key in the door.  
_Tessa's right. I"ll be lonely. Again.  
Rory's leaving when the sun comes up. Then what?  
We have tonight. She'll sleep in my apartment. Walk around in my clothes.  
I'll smell like her and we'll stay up all night.  
But then what?  
We'll...I don't know.  
But.  
Then what?_ _Is this our chance to be together? To be whatever?  
Shit. We never even had a chance. _

"That sounds good," she says, standing so close to him, but not touching.

_ I want him to know everything about me. All the stuff he didn't know before.  
I'm like a book he started, but never finished.  
I want him to finish me.  
Jess, will you finish me?  
Do you want to?__  
I want you to._


	7. Chapter 7

The last time he saw her. He'd gone to the window to watch her walk away, to make sure she got to her car safely. She'd parked right out front. He'd asked her that before she left.  
_She left._  
That's all he kept thinking.  
_She came here.  
Then, she left._  
Something about how Logan had cheated on her.  
_Fuck Logan._  
_But she came here.  
We kissed.  
She left._

He'd gone out that night for some beers with his roommates.  
Some beers. Some whiskey.  
He smoked a joint with some writers he didn't really know.  
He hooked up with Tessa for the first time that night, just to make himself feel a little better.  
_She was pretty. She listened to me. She had a great ass and didn't talk too much._  
She left for New York the next morning. They didn't talk again for a couple of months.  
He vaguely remembers Tessa leaving if he tries hard enough.  
That night is cocooned in drizzle and ribbons of fog.  
He felt like shit. Inside and out.  
_Why should I care?  
No one else does._  
He clearly remembers seeing Rory walk away.  
For the next week or so, he smoked instead of eating.  
He barely said two words together.  
Nothing mattered.

_I'm fine.  
It's cool.  
I'm not hungry.  
I don't know. Just thinking.  
About nothing._

_It took me forever to get over Rory.  
Did I ever really? Am I?  
How do I know she won't change her mind?  
Will I?  
No.  
I'll never change my mind.  
Can I trust her?  
I don't know.  
I want to.  
But how can I know?  
I won't know until it's too late.  
And then it's too late._

Rory is in the kitchen melting cheese for the potato chips.  
Jess is in his bedroom, pulling on his only other pair of pajama pants.  
Blood red and moody.  
He sits on the edge of the bed for a moment, his head in his hands.  
_I need a glass of water.  
Tessa's last words?  
Fuck off.  
It's what I expected, actually.  
Next time I see her...she'll be fine.  
I was always waiting for Rory.  
I should've told her that. That part is my fault._

Part of him keeps expecting Rory to disappear whenever she's not right in front of him. As if he'd walk out of the bathroom and she'd be gone. No trace of her. As if he'd walk out of his bedroom and she wouldn't be in his kitchen. No sign that she was ever there. Maybe the air in the room would feel different? Warmer?  
_See? I did make it all up. She was never here.  
See? She was never here. What's wrong with me?_

But she is there. And she's bending down to a get better look into the microwave.  
"I'm melting cheese for the potato chips," she says.  
"Sheesh. You and your eating habits...there are no words," he says.  
"Does this mean you don't want any?" she says.  
"Are we still talking about the cheese and the potato chips?" he asks, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets.  
"You lean a lot," she says.  
"You like that?" he says, smiling.  
_ I love it when he looks at me like this.  
Am I looking at her weird?  
_  
_Snap out it._  
"Are you nervous?" he asks her.  
"A little bit, actually. Still," she confesses, putting her hand on her tummy.  
"Even with the wine?" he asks.  
"I know, right? What is that about?" she says.  
"I'm still a little bit nervous too. I get nervous around you all the time," he says.  
_I still do._  
He clears his throat quickly.  
"Are you just here because you don't have a boyfriend right now?" he asks.  
She looks up to see his eyebrows all knit together. He's not leaning anymore.  
_What? No. No._  
He's just standing in the kitchen, looking at her.  
"What I mean is that something always happens with us. I don't particularly wanna go through that again. Every time...we miss the mark. What's different about this time?" he says.  
_What's different about this time?_

"I think about you everyday. Every fucking day," he says softly.  
"I'm not here just because I don't have a boyfriend, Jess," she says.

_I hurt her feelings by saying that. I shouldn't have said that._  
"I'm sorry," he says.  
"No, no. I mean, it's valid...I guess. But it's not true. I'm here because I can't stand not having you in my life. And I'm here because I'm in love with you and always have been and..."she says.  
_ Why don't you believe me?  
_  
"Today's the first time you've ever told me that. That you love me. It's hard for me to take in," he says.  
"Well, I do. And I take all of the responsibility for not telling you that sooner. I should've. Jess, I love you," she says.  
_Why won't you believe me?_  
"I want to feel like you're not just saying that," he says.  
_I want to believe you._

He walks past her to get a glass from the cupboard.  
The microwave is beeping because the cheese is done.  
He lets the tap fill his glass and he turns around to drink it.  
She takes the glass from him and takes a drink too.  
She puts the glass back down.  
He holds her face in his hands and kisses her forehead.

"And you'd always leave, Jess. You left," she says, almost crying again.  
_What the hell? I don't wanna cry right now. Stop it._  
"I know. That was stupid. That was my fault. I'm sorry," he says.  
_I can't be more sorry. You don't know.  
What will make you believe me?_

"I want to be able to trust you and I want you to be able to trust me," she says.  
"I want you to be able to trust me too," he says.  
_This is all I want in the whole world and I can have it now?  
I'm scared.  
I'm scared to have it.  
That means I can lose it.  
God, I don't want to lose it._  
"I really missed you," she says half into his mouth because they are kissing again.  
"Good," he says into her mouth, smiling.  
_I fucking love you._

He's all wound up like a clock; like someone has run through him, switching all of his lights on, one by one. He can't keep still.  
She's all wound up like a clock; like someone has run through her, switching all of her lights on, one by one. She can't keep still.  
_Jess. He's beautiful. This is exactly what I want. Finally._  
_Rory. She's beautiful. Is this for real? Finally._  
Now his shirt is on the floor.  
So are they.  
_Finally._  
Kissing and breathing, tangled on the kitchen floor.

_What is that?  
Is it raining again?  
No. It's not.  
I must've left the water running._


	8. Chapter 8

Jess' bed.  
_How did we get here?_  
Jess had gotten up from the kitchen floor to turn off the tap.  
When he turned around, Rory was disappearing into his bedroom.  
Everything was grainy and static from the darkness.  
The kitchen light had been turned out.  
His eyes were slowly adjusting.  
_Where'd she go? My bed?_  
Rory, in her bra and his pajama pants, on her back in his bed.  
Her eyes were closed, her fingers lightly brushing her bare tummy.

Jess' bed.  
They are both entwined in his blue-as-the-ocean sheets.  
_Her mouth tastes like wine and candy.  
His mouth tastes like beer and honey._

_I don't wanna just hook up._  
It's a thought he can't shake.  
When he shoves it aside, there it is.  
There it is running and running back and forth in his mind.  
Like a rabbit, darting under and rustling the hedges.

_I don't wanna just hook up._  
He's thinking.  
Her breath is on his neck.

_This'll be just like hooking up._  
He's thinking.  
His breath is on her neck.

_I've hooked up with girls before.  
I don't just wanna hook up with Rory.  
She's not just Some Girl._  
He's thinking.  
She moans softly into his mouth.

_Hold on. Hold on.  
Quick. Hold on._

"Hey. Hold on a sec. Hold on," he says, pushing her hair out of her face.  
She is on top of him, tucked in between his legs.  
"Yeah," she says.  
_Okay._

"I don't want to just hook up with you," he says, softly.  
"What?" she says.  
_What does he mean? What does this mean? _  
"If we do this tonight and you leave in the morning, it'll be like we're just hooking up and I don't wanna just hook up with you, Rory," he says.  
"Oh," she says.  
"And I mean, I know we're not. I know it's not like that...but I don't want it to be like this is all it is. I want it to be more than just this," he says.  
_ I'm talking too much._  
"Me too. Me too. I don't know..." she says, rolling off of him. She lies on her back next to him, pushing her hair off her forehead.  
He rolls over to look at her.  
_Does he think I just came here to sleep with him? He can't think that. Can he?_  
"Trust me...I'm not trying to talk you out of this. I just...you're not Some Girl I'd just hook up with. I don't do that. Anymore. I don't do that anymore," he says, fumbling a bit over his words.  
_ I don't want to make it sound like it's something I do all the time. I really don't. Shit. Now it sounds like I do it all the time.  
How many girls has he hooked up with. Is it okay if I ask?_

"Not that I hook up with girls a lot. I don't. I'm gonna stop talking now," he says, rubbing his eyes.  
"Do you?"  
"Do I what?"  
"Do you have random sex with girls?" she asks.  
_He brought it up. So it must be okay if I ask._  
"No. I don't," he says.  
"Well, have you?" she asks.  
"Like, ever?" he asks.  
"Yeah," she says.  
"Once. I did once," he says.  
_That's the truth. Before Tessa, there was one night. There was Brooke after the Distillers show last year. That was random. That was sex. Sure. Before that was Shane. Before that was Alexis. That's it. Four. I've slept with four girls.  
He's secretly stoked that Rory isn't on the list. Yet. That makes her not just Some Girl. He wants her name to be the last name on the list. Permanently. _  
"Oh," she says.  
"Is it weird we're talking about this?" he asks.  
She shakes her head.  
"No. It's fine. It's fine," she says.  
_ I mean, it's not fine. But it's...it's whatever. There's certainly nothing I can do about it. I just won't think about it. Ever._  
"Hey look. I've done some things I'm not proud of. I've done some stuff I wish I hadn't. But really...I've grown up a lot. I think that's obvious. Especially since I'm in my bed and you're in here with me and I'm unintentionally convincing you not to sleep with me when it's all I've fucking wanted to do pretty much since the moment I laid eyes on you..." he says.  
_ I really like his voice. Especially when he's talking like this. So fast. How he says his words. He thinks about having sex with me? I wonder if he thinks about that a lot. I wonder if he thinks about that still. I think it's special we never had sex. Haven't. Yet._  
"But," Rory begins.  
"But what?"  
"Just because I have to go back to work tomorrow doesn't mean that I'm not coming back. Doesn't mean that we can't make this work," she says.  
"Are you serious?"  
"I am."  
"Do you think that we can do this? Make this work? You want to? I want to. Do you want to?" he says.  
She is nodding and reaches over to touch his hips.  
"Yes," she says.  
Yes.  
"Are you sleepy?" he asks.  
"Not really. I was. Now I'm not," she says.  
"Are you?"  
"Are you kidding me?" he asks, reaching towards her.  
The moon is out now; the thin wisp of white light lands on her shoulders.  
His hair. Their faces.  
_How much time do we have left right now?  
When is when?_


	9. Chapter 9

They ate tangerines, kissing with their mouths sticky and dripping.  
His fingers in her mouth, his own.  
Her fingers in his mouth, her own.  
His dark, ticking bedroom.  
Only the moonlight.

And after awhile, Rory made another pot of strong coffee.  
_I can sleep on the bus._  
It is four in the morning.

"Okay I have to leave in four hours," she says.  
She is wearing his black Ramones t-shirt now. The pajama pants have been long abandoned next to his bed.  
"I'm taking this shirt with me," she says.  
"Okay," he says.  
"It smells like you," she says.  
"Is that good?" he says.  
"Yes," she says.

"You said you were working on another novel. Tell me about it," she says.  
She imagined him smoking and scribbling furiously in that little black notebook.  
_What do you write about in there? Do you write about me?  
_  
_It's about us. I write about you a lot._  
"I'll give you a few pages. You can read it on the bus. But not until you get on the bus. Okay?" Jess says.  
He goes to his room to get some stuff he's written.  
_I'll give her this. This is good. Well, maybe not good...but it's not bad. And some of it is about her. I wonder if she'll know that some of it is about her._  
He takes the first chapter and gives it to her.  
"It's not my only copy. You can have this. It may not be worth the paper it's printed on, though. You've been warned," he says.  
_Everything he writes is so good. I can't wait to read this._  
She takes it from him and tucks it into her bag.  
He watches her bend over. Thinks about when they were in his bed.  
"Are you checking me out?" she says, turning around.  
"Absolutely," he says.  
"Two weeks from now I have some more time off. I'm going back to Stars Hollow for a week. Come with me," she says.  
"A week in Stars Hollow?" Jess laughs.  
"You say you hate it, but you don't. I think you secretly love it," she says.  
_You're right. It's not so bad. It's almost okay when you're there, Rory._  
"We could stay at the Dragonfly!" she says.  
"You're cute," he says.  
"Will you do it?" she asks.  
"What do you think?" he says.  
"It'll be so fun and I know Luke will be stoked,"  
"Good ol' Uncle Luke," Jess says.  
_I love Luke. He's the best guy I know. Always has been._  
"Welcome back Jess Mariano to Stars Hollow. I could ask Taylor if he could get a banner," Rory teases.  
"Don't even joke about that," he says.  
Rory just smiles and smiles.

"Wanna sleep for an hour and then watch the sun come up?" he says.  
_Wanna live with me? Wanna eat tangerines every night before bed? Wanna marry me and wanna move to New York City and have coffee in Washington Square Park every morning and watch the sun come up? Wanna write a book with me? And we can fuck while it rains against the windows. I want to tell you everything. I just want you. _  
"Yes please," she says.  
_I do. I wanna sleep with you and I wanna stay up all night reading what you write. I wanna live together. I wanna get married. I wanna walk around in your clothes and write in the margins of your books. And we can sit on the floor and drink cold red wine from plastic cups and listen to records. I want to tell you everything. I just want you._  
"Okay. Come here," he says, holding his hand out for her.  
_Do you know what you mean to me? Have I told you enough? Can I?_  
His bed, again.  
_ I love you._  
Fingertips and kissing and heartbeats in the dark.  
_I'm going crazy inside._  
The A/C clicks on.  
_I can't hear anything.  
Just air._


	10. Chapter 10

_**thank you so much for yr sweet and kind feedback! this is the last chapter of this story. but i will also be writing another literati fanfic..that takes place two weeks from this one. when jess comes back to meet rory in stars hollow. soon. i really really love writing them. i listened to "intuition" by feist a lot when i was writing this. the title is a lyric from that song. if you have that song...i think it goes well w/the end of this story. cue it up and enjoy. i like thinking abt rory saving jess from himself. a merciful save. i like thinking abt jess saving rory from herself. how they need each other. how they save each other. oh, i love this couple. __thanks so much and cheers! leesa.__**_

::

They sleep for less than an hour.  
Jess sets the alarm so they can see the sun come up.  
He makes another pot of strong coffee, some cheesy eggs.  
Rory stands against the counter and rubs her eyes.  
They are both messy-haired and sleepy.  
They are both stoned on kissing and staying up all night and being together again.

On Jess' front stop, wrapped in a blanket.  
The both of them now, tucked together.  
Waiting for breaking sunlight, bright and heavy, slicing the sky.  
Cupped hands and coffee mugs and pajamas and barefeet.

"I don't wanna go," Rory says.  
_I know, right? _  
"I don't want you to go," Jess says.  
"But I'll see you soon," she says.  
_I know, right?_  
"Yes. You will see me soon. And I'll see you soon. It won't be that long. It'll suck and it'll be weird...but once it's here we'll look back and say that it wasn't so bad," he says.  
_He's right._

"I feel like everyone in Stars Hollow thought we'd always be together-together," she says.  
"I think you're right," he says.  
_I haven't wanted very many things in my life. Didn't think I deserved them. Didn't think I'd get them. But one thing I've always wanted is for you and me to always be together-together. All the time. Forever._

"We didn't have sex," Rory says.  
"You're right. We didn't," Jess says.  
"I want to," she says, "I mean, next time. I mean, I've thought about it a lot and I do want to."  
"I fully intend to," he says, raising an eyebrow at her.  
"Good," she says, "because that's what I want."  
"Do I even need to say anything right here at this point?" he says, laughing.  
"I guess not," she says.  
"Two weeks," he says softly.  
"Two weeks," she says.  
"We can wait two weeks," he says.  
_Can I wait two weeks?  
I can wait two weeks.  
Right?  
Yes._  
_I can wait two weeks._  
"We can wait two weeks," she echoes.  
They both nod. They both smile. They are both quiet.

They put their mugs down and their fingers are all laced and braided together and the sun comes up and the birds begin to sing a little more.  
_Now it's morning. Now it's when._

"You better pack up your stuff," Jess says.  
"Yeah," she says.  
_I miss you already.  
Ow._

Back inside, Rory takes a shower.  
She uses his shampoo. So her hair will smell like him.

He writes something on a post-it and slides it into her bag.  
_Don't be a stranger.  
I love you.  
-Jess._

Her bag is packed and by the door.  
Her hair is still wet.  
"I smell like you," she says.  
"You do," he says.  
"You smell like me and you," he says.  
"I smell like me and you," she says.  
And they kiss like they're trying to get even with one another. For everything and for nothing.  
They are both so wound up again. Like ticking clocks. Like things on fire. Like burning lights.  
Like lightning.  
The kissing feels like running. It feels like raining. It feels like flying.  
_Why did I ever doubt this?  
This is enough._

They are hugging and they are quiet.  
"I'll call you tonight," she says.  
"Okay," he says.  
"I love you," they say.  
At the same time.  
_I love you.  
See you soon.  
Bye.  
Hey.  
I love you._

And then, she is gone.  
She is walking.  
She is back on the bus.  
She remembers the part of his novel that he'd given her.  
She pulls it out and opens it and leans her head against the cool window.

And then, she is gone.  
He is inside of his apartment, alone.  
He paces for a bit.  
Turns some music on.  
Turns the music off.  
Makes something to eat, but doesn't eat it.  
He washes his face.  
Takes a shower.  
Washes his face again.  
He sits outside and smokes a cigarette slowly.  
He goes in his top drawer for a pair of socks and sees a note from Rory.

_Dear Jess,  
I always wanted to write you letters. And really? I did. But I never sent them. And I guess I'm not sending this one. I'm leaving it for you to find. And what I want to say is that it was always you. It was. It is. And it will be.  
My love,  
Rory._

He sits on his bed with the letter in his hand.  
He folds it and then tucks the letter underneath his shirt, against his bare skin.  
His eyes are welling with tears again.  
_It feels good. It feels right._  
Before he knows what's happening, he is falling and falling.  
Diving into the choppy-black waters of sleep.  
And when he gets there, he dreams of Rory with the wind in her hair.  
_The wind, ribbons.  
And the softest light. _

On the bus, Rory finds the post-it from Jess and she tucks it into her front pocket.  
She opens the bit of his novel and reads the first lines.

_I let a girl have me once. I let her have me before I even knew how to be had. And until I loved her, I didn't know I had a heart. Now there is a pumping beating loving heart where there was once stone and dust and grey. She found my heart for me. She found my heart for me and she pulled it out and gave it back to me. And made me real. And made me a believer. And this story is for her._

Rory's eyes are brimming with tears and she puts the papers back into her bag.  
She closes her eyes and leans against the cool window.  
And when she sleeps she dreams of Jess.  
_His hair, like blackbird feathers.  
And the softest light._


End file.
